Woke up this morning feeling like I’d spent the past several days drinking absinthe with Aleister Crowley and followed it up with enough Acid to trip-out a troop of hardy circus clowns.
Am having issues with the world. Would boycott but seems unlikely to actually affect anything, yes? I like my batcave, though.
(Note to self: Invest in hella sexy batgirl costume.)
As I was saying…
The world was too bright and too cold simultaneously, too brash and bold, too dense, humid and sticky with the sense that memory is seeping out of my very pores and contaminating the air I breathe.
It’s the sensuality of spirit. How dare they strip that from my faith? How dare they even try! The necessity of fire, of new passions and the faulty logic that assails me. Long lost, unwilling, insensible things that blossom in the waters of the mind.
The recurring visions cease to be merely recollections and instead invent themselves again in living colour. They drink me — all broth and no substance. Stirred and stirring in the pools of the unconscious.
Do your dreams have a soundtrack?
It always amuses me to wake up and realise that I’ve had the likes of Master of the House running through my head all night long…
“Everything has got a little price,” hey… though lord knows I’m with his wife. Meanwhile, I can think of a great many other things I’d rather be doing all night long.
I stumbled blindly to the bathroom, knees weak and hands shaking. They always shake. Nothing new. Nothing to get worked up about. Just your average day in a possibly not so very average life.
Or maybe we all wake up just exactly where we don’t want to be and trudge back to higher ground? Maybe it’s all just circles within circles. You, me, the Eucalyptus tree… all age old elements of part-time wisdom.
*Assembly required.
+Batteries not included
Off on a tea-break then aren’t we? Waiting to *live* but what is living except feverish deceptions and yearning touch? I force my hand into the morning light and feel every forgotten phrase, each electric, light bulb moment lost. There. Waiting.
Maybe just a little time off for good behaviour? Time served, your Honour.
Call off the night watchman.
I’m not going anywhere.
p.s. the title is also a nod to the fact i’m off to see Tori Amos live on Monday night!!!!!
CK,
You honestly had that running through your head all night? I think I’d wake up looking for a sledgehammer, lol. (Sorry if you love this song; I just can’t imagine even having my favorite song playing over and over…and we won’t even go into “It’s a Small World After All.” haha!)
I did something earlier. Something I’d been wanting to do for a long while now. Told my boss about my bipolar disorder. And he was amazing about it! And now I’m so relieved. Soon I’m going to go public and drop the incognito bit, which will be good for me, good for the memoir (I think; I hope!), and whew. I’m just relieved.
Take Care,
Sooz
yeah, Sooz. honestly. i think a part of my brain hates me. a lot.
suspect ‘It’s a Small World’ would kill me. don’t give my brain any ideas ;)
and that is bloody brilliant re: your boss!!! and obviously for all its implications. i very much look forward to your future… revelations :D
Well well CK, so you want a batgirl costume? I would too actually, but even in my fantasies, I don’t have the figure for that anymore. Wish I did. But, I DO have a Super Girl cape and boots that allow me to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Fortunately, I live in a very charming small community in Florida that only has one story buildings and the chances of me hurting myself are minimized.
Do love the idea of a having a bat cave though. Super secret one. But I have a glorious castle in my mind with… well, with everything that any one of us is imagining at the time. Very safe and user friendly. Glad to hear you bunkered down in your Bat Girl cave instead of checking out and letting the Joker win. Regain your strength my friend, so we can leap tall buildings in a single bound together and save our world from the “normal people”.
CK,
Now my writing coach has me all paranoid! She said, “Not everyone will accept it as easily. Your boss might, but maybe not the world.” And then she launched into my social anxieties and oh, maybe she’s right. She knows me too well.
I’m rethinking. Or maybe I’ll get real hyped up one of these evenings and just let ‘er fly. (Without a bat cape OR a supergirl cape. Wait. Does Bat Girl wear a cape? And is that one word or two? And how ’bout Super Girl? Or Supergirl? I feel so bad. I haven’t read a comic book in too long. Well, except for my favorite–Johnny The Homicidal Maniac! Old ones, anyway.)
~Sooz
i hate to say it because i don’t think there’s need to be paranoid, necessarily but i agree with her. it won’t always be so easy… you won’t always find that relief. often people can’t handle it… whether out of ignorance, fear, closed-mindedness or simply lack of space to deal with it at the time. and a lot people need a lot of educating in what it means for someone to have a mental illness…
the realities of it, and the consequences of marginalisation, are not at all apparent to those for whom it is, quite simply, not a factor… nor something they particularly want to consider because a lot of folks don’t get the whole ‘illness’ part. that it’s *real*. as real as a broken leg or a busted kidney. that it isn’t something we can magically fix if only we try hard enough… which means that they can respond to this apparently ‘new’ part of you with considerable shock. it can be a bumpy road but also, some people really surprise you and offer you so much more of themselves than they have to — as you already know. that understanding may very well be one of the most meaningful gifts one human being can offer another.
i’m sure you know how hard it can be to find compassion in the world so you would need to prepare yourself to do that educating and stand firm in the knowledge of exactly who you are, regardless of how others respond.
no cape but armour — the kind that’s made of words with lots of research to back you up and a few safe, supportive types around you can turn to and sob and rant and stomp your feet about how unfair the world can be, the loneliness and the feelings of being too different to cope with having people ‘know’.
you’ve spent a very long time keeping the secret, you know? so your first instincts will still be to put it all back in the box at the first hint of trouble. but you get the choice and it’s a difficult choice.
what matters is that you’re doing it for yourself and that you don’t believe that it’s anything other than what the world needs to hear and what you need to say.
you don’t have to be ready today or tomorrow, next month or next year. maybe not ever. but it’s HUGE that you’re even contemplating this because it means that somewhere inside you believe in yourself, more than you believe all the myths and deceptions that are all too often foisted upon those living with a mental illness.
the point is your are *living*, connected, free (more or less) and you can show them that. or not. either way you *live* and that, dear Sooz, is key.
anyway, i’ve taken my Xanax to deal with another tension headache thing so that may or may not make a lot of sense. i just hope you know that there are also a lot of folks, like me, who will very happily support you in any steps you want to take towards letting those secrets go.
*hugs*
Hey, CK,
“Michah” says it’ll be enough of a trip when/if the memoir is published. I guess I worry a little about everything coming out in one fell swoop that way. I was hoping to get a headstart, and I at least think I’m going to start trying to publish excerpts here and there. Maybe that would be best. The editor at FRiGG Magazine was going to publish some excerpts, but couldn’t get enough writers interested to submit memoir and novel excerpts. That would have been last spring or summer, and I guess it’s just as well because I’ve made vast improvements in the writing itself since some earlier chapter drafts (which I chucked, then started over fresh this summer).
But there are a lot of weird things that are tough to explain to people. I mean, I see things or hear things or feel things that aren’t there, but I know they’re not there (unless it gets extremely bad, but I’ve only had a few serious psychotic breaks). But how do you explain that having fingers growing out of your right hand, fingers that you can feel but can’t see, but you know they’re there (but you know they’re really not)…ah, anyway.
You see what I mean. I keep thinking that if I really went public with the blog now that I’d be in there with a huge cyber broom, sweeping up all the really weird stuff and hiding it away.
Sorry. Rambling. I do that. Oh, I see you do, too. lol.
I hope your headache’s better, CK. I get a lot of them. But not migraines usually. My brother gets them. Horrible. I get almost daily tension headaches, and more extreme PMS headaches. (And PMS every couple of weeks. Long story. It sucks.)
Thanks for your support and encouragement. I appreciate it! Really, really, really. A lot (;
~Sooz
LOL Yeah, I ramble frequently. It amuses my best friend, who then stares until I stop. Occasionally has to poke me in the ribs. hehehe
That’s a shame about the excerpts. FRiGG would’ve been cool! They do seem like a gentle way to ease yourself thru it but that’s based on mere imagination so… *shrug* It is a bit of a gamble, and potentially why Michah advises caution, I guess.
Yeah… how you explain that to a general public audience I don’t know. I get it but I’ve been there. I don’t envy you the task, frankly though from your writing clearly you’re up to it. It takes a lot. First, it’s a lot to put out there, then add the artistic element and a life behind that. Well. Yeah. It is big but it’s also important. Personally, professionally and re: destigmatisation etc.
Mind, I was musing in passing last night that you might qualify for some serious cred for being bipolar. With writers it’s often given that ultra romanticised sense. A mixed blessing, yes.
Sorry you’ve got the headache/migraine bug, too! Daily ‘eh? You must deal with stress as well as me. heh Runs in my family as well. They tell me that’s often the way. Peachy, isn’t it? ;)
p.s. you’re totally welcome!
“Circles within circles” That’s why I call it a spiral :) I totally know that feeling of wanting to boycott the world. Only I call it “fuck everything and everyone”. Just get so pissed off with the whole heap. I take to myself and do ‘me’ stuff until I’m ready to share myself with the world again :)
And just so you know, if you do go on strike, you will be missed :)
LOL genius plan, right there. i have to too fairly regularly.
p.s. awr :D ta.
Hey, CK–the poetic way that you write reminds me that it’s a beautiful thing to be human, even if it’s so fucking painful sometimes.
You’re going to see Tori Amos tonight?! Awesome!
Newsflash: I’m hosting THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE myself this month, in honor of World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse, which is Thursday. I’d love to have you and your poetic writing join us. Thanks for considering.
hey marj :) that is so sweet to think of me. sounds great. would love to! what are the rules/regs etc.?
Batgirl…costume…*melts*
you know you’re gonna have to help me pick it out, right…? i know. i know. what a chore.
As always, I am amazed by your tenacity! You serve as an inspiration to all of us who are striving to live life more fully despite the drag of our pasts and the massive feelings of over stimulation that comes from being awake in the world.
Blessings
Elicia
I had a dream in which Catatonic Kid, my humble self and, mind you, no one less but Ingrid Bergman discussed her role in “Notorious”. The only real question is; why Cary Grant did not grace the said dream?
Did you banish him, CK?