where has my brain gone? oh, that’s right, to a nether-bloody-realm vortex of stuttering, inchoate madness. it comes and goes. remind me not to watch moderately disturbing Sci-Fi programs then sleep without taking my Xanax!
it’s something of a mystery to me, how two minutes of random neural firing at the right wavelength during your sleep can leave you feeling punctured. i’m laboriously leaking air from a hole i can’t find. this makes moving to a cave in Wolverhampton seem like an intensely attractive proposition.
it’s all illusive, isn’t it? changes all the time, flitting from one state to another in a science experiment gone awry. in whose hands now? mine, sometimes. but not always, and perhaps not nearly as often as they would have us believe.
plenty of choice, more than enough chances but causes and effects are so tightly woven together that we can find them inseparable, at times. where did i start, and end? there aren’t answers to be had. i can only go on grasping at that which i know to be unattainable.
is that not crazy in itself?
This happens to me all the time, and it can really suck. It’s hard to shake off those feelings.
yeah, makes you just want to dig it out and dump it somewhere ‘eh?! if only brain garbage were so easy to remove!
you wrote:
it’s all illusive, isn’t it?
Answer: yes
you wrote:
is that not crazy in itself?
Answer: yes
LOL
J
LMAO
Hi CK
I see so many ideas running in your mind. It is difficult for me to distinguish the brain garbage from the brain intellect you possess. But the way you express is yourself is very intricate. Actually, it takes me sometime to let your post sink in.
Keep writing. And where are you these days?? :)
cheers, luv. i’m in London, about to head for Berlin.
Restful sleep has always eluded me. The moderately disturbing sci-fi programs wouldn’t bother me, probably because I write at least moderately disturbing material and so I’m kind of desensitized. The Xanax would make me suicidal so–not a good idea! I also tend to feel guilty about sleeping, stupid though that sounds. I feel like I should always be ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING. The inner slave driver is relentless.
seriously relentless! geez. meanwhile, yeah, restful sleep… erm, what’s that? you mean there are people who aren’t constantly tired? ;)
Hi CK,
I am following your blog from quite some time now.But this particular post reminds me of the exact thoughts i have in my mind when i am a little drunk and the questions which never get answered.
heehee yeah, i can see that after looking at your blog. i don’t get philosophical when drunk. i just get drunk.
Oh, I can so relate. You’ve described this very well. I’m sorry it feels so crazy. Thinking of you.
“i can only go on grasping at that which i know to be unattainable.
is that not crazy in itself?”
No. It’s called drive or ambition or being goal oriented. Else there’s a substantial portion of the world would join you in ‘crazy’.
And who said they haven’t joined in the ‘crazy’ already? ;)
CK, my first response to your words is something that I wrote in my journal a few years ago: “There are no reference points, only turning points … ”
Does your experience feel something like that?
xo Jaliya
coming back to the world after my blog was sick. what i haven’t told many people yet is that i wasn’t so well either. my strange experiences with the bipolar roller coaster happened during the same time as this entry …
my blog and i are well-ish right now. i hope you are, too.
*hugs* really glad to have you back and well-ish, isabella.
it seems to be an ‘ish’ kind of concept. the coming back part, not so easy but it’ll happen. the ride ends and you get to go make yourself ill with cotton candy before you hop back on again ;)
huh! love how you put that. make yourself ill with cotton candy. i’m really trying to eat blueberries instead right now – but let’s see – “right now” is the operative word here :)
looking forward to the day when i can say, meh, it’s just a rollercoaster.
in the meantime, i’ve coined this phrase: “just because i’m depressed doesn’t mean i have to be unhappy.” what do you think, should i turn it into a book, complete with disney-type merchandising?
*laughing* naturally! it’s the dark side but that’s par for the course.
is it ever ‘just’ a rollercoaster? haven’t gotten to that stage yet where i can be all Meh and not have it be a minimisation thing.
i have moments of distance, more or less but it still scares the crap out of me. largely because we don’t get a choice of ticket, time or place and they don’t listen when you shout ‘Holy Crap I Need to Get Off!’
yes, to find the elusive point where “meh” is benign detachment not sneering dismissiveness … but hey, one can hope!
definitely. i try not to leave any of that sitting in the bottom of the box — having gone to the trouble of eating all the cereal first ;)