Ideally I would not feel like I was in a prison of my own design, right?
But practically, and on balance, it’s how I tend to feel. Often I don’t mind the prison…
‘Aye, there’s the rub’, says Hamlet.
Screw the existentialist dilemmas, though. Seriously, I can do angst. I know that since I’ve years of practice: it’s known as Adolescence in polite company. And I’m usually extremely polite, though it may shock you to hear it.
Yet, I do not appreciate the prison.
Did you get that? I’m the architect but I don’t even like what I create the vast majority of the time.
I’m not judging that right now though. It’s more of a sense that since freedom is a goal then I probably could be using my skills a little more effectively.
Stay with me, here. It’s a process.
So if you’re in prison with all its accoutrements – bars, lack of light, barely enough space to breathe, pounding tension, pain, unease…
brief moments of relief, joy, potential punctuated by the apparent certainty that there isn’t a way out except by the grace of time and/or death, perhaps destiny.
If you’re facing all that and something remains. If you open your eyes at breakfast one morning and notice the spoon in your hand. And if you’re ready, and lucky and catch your breath at its peak then it can stop looking like another weapon loaded against you. It briefly ceases to be anything, and then there’s room to notice that the spoon could, in fact, be liberation.
There’s a little peace there, a little more room all of a sudden because with that tool comes the inkling that you might be able to choose how to use it. That there just might be more options available.
It isn’t just a choice, though and I’d never tell you just do it.
I’d rather say don’t do it. Wait. Are you ready; Is it your wish? Because the rest is just clutter if it isn’t.
Because what that capacity for choice asks of us is to escape from prison using only the tools we have right now. And that’s rather difficult to do if you’re running low on things like focus, motivation, clarity… minor technicalities ‘eh.
This, folks, is why I get a wee bit irritated with people who talk about self-help like it’s a piece of cake. It may, apparently, be very simple but it is not easy to dig your way out of Hell with a teaspoon. I’m just saying.
Freedom means choosing to use that spoon to clear away the incalculable mass of steel, rock and dirt which surrounds us, and which could tumble back into the spaces we create at any moment. And it requires us to make that choice with everything we are and every breath we take for the rest of our lives.
That’s the reason Dante had a guide. And it’s the same reason I admire everyone who has ever once even vaguely contemplated making that choice.
nice writing again….the choices you speak of are the ones “normal” people make with ease….here was my dilemma for decades….alcohol had stripped everything away from me, my family, friends, dignity, morals, god, etc. I knew that my only hope for sanity was simply not to drink….but that choice was more terrifying than to continue to live as a street wino…i KNEW what my life was going to be if i continued to drink, i had no idea what would happen were i to stop…and there lies the trap, i was more comfortable living with the pain that had become familiar to me than to take that leap of faith and try something new…because i didnt know the outcome, misery and pain were my constant companions, how would i fare without them?
and its common, mine was an extreme case but regular examples are why people dont end relationships that are bad, change jobs or move…but whats scary is we wont take that leap of faith to break the chains that bind us when we KNOW we may die from it
Man, did this ever resonate with me. Thank you. No one can ever really appreciate what it’s like to dig yourself out of hell with a spoon UNTIL THEY’VE TRIED IT THEMSELVES.
That image, BTW, if digging oneself out of hell with a teaspoon is nothing short of fucking brilliant.
Keep chipping away at the cell, re-energising your thoughts, re-evaluating, transforming and re-imagining, and you will eventually get yourself out of there. You have a lot of spirit, which will help you. I can feel that you’ve already made progress since the time I’ve met you, and I know you will continue to do so, until you are treating yourself in the way you know you deserve. =)
Remember, you are making the choice to feel bad. You can change that, but it means questioning your very belief system that keeps you locked up. And it may feel comforting and cosy, to an extent. Deep down, though, you know that you feel at your best when you swivel your vision back towards the light, neglect the oppressive thoughts and just tap into your ‘happy’ thoughts. Hint: You will feel at your best when you are acting spontaneously, inventing new patterns and then reinventing them! Play, explore, fantasise, dream. The familiar will only oppress you, so celebrate the unknown! =)
[Imagine stupid sounding dopey voice] Whooo! Yeah!! Right on!! ;)
Self-help: great for those mildly disgruntled with life and no other problems to mention.
The precariousness of digging oneself out, should never been under-estimated, either. Don’t wanna start a landslide now…
This post held my attention, as did Epiphanie’s comment. I have imprisoned myself in my own fear for most of my life, instead of truly going after my dreams. I go halfway–I talk the talk, never walk the walk… all because of fear. Fear of failure, sure, but the fear of success is much worse, because there is nothing to hide behind anymore if you succeed. Thank you for the food for thought and inspiration. We’ll make it eventually if we continue to make the right decisions, each tiny teaspoonful at a time…
I like this, coz I tried it and it all collapsed in on me, so for now i’m keeping my spoon in my pocket ;0)
Hann x
Hey, as always have to say amazing writing. You make some very good points in this post, self-help is not certainly not easy. From my experience, it may help with some things but not with real problems, there’s a lot that self-help can’t help with. And sometimes, we can’t help what we create.
When I read: I’m the architect but I don’t even like what I create the vast majority of the time,
I was nodding in agreement.
Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Hey…no fair! Where’d you get the spoon from? My fingers are torn raw and bleeding from trying to dig myself out.
I’m speechless.
Loved this… *smiles*
*PA goes to make another cuppa and stir it with spoon*
I missed this post before. I’m glad you linked to it. Damn, it’s good!
“Simple” but not “easy.” THAT is the rub. Not easy and not fast. Try excruciatingly, painfully S-L-O-W. Aaacckk! Hangin’ with ya!
‘Damn, it’s good!’ that’s what i like to hear ;)
*laughs* slow doesn’t begin it. i keep wanting to speed it up but digging faster, turns out, is highly counter-productive.