Banking with Buddha

Sometimes I’m really surprised at just how tenaciously I cling to fear, like it holds some comfort. Or as if, in the right light, on the right day, fear could be a life raft. And not just any life raft but the one which would save me from all future disaster. The mind sure is an interesting place to inhabit.

I have a very wise friend I met through the blogosphere. Well, I’ve made many of those really – thank goodness for them there interwebz ‘eh. Anyway, this particular Devi passed a great gift on to me, and it really did a lot for the twisty little head-space I’ve been in. It’s on Dharma (I know, not Buddhism again. Just remember, your inner Hippie is people too.)

In thanks here’s

A. a whole lotta linky love for The Psycho Therapist. Go on, bugger my post. Go read hers…

and

B. a post where I laugh at myself a lot and learn/re-learn some cool things in the process.

In case you’re still here, an excerpt:

But that’s not quite enough if we really want to cultivate this heart quality which then becomes like a safety zone within us. Fear is a human condition, but it’s greatly alleviated if we find within us the certitude that we’re going to be loving no matter what happens.

It’s good to hear this. And I tell myself it in a lot of ways but my mind and heart bicker… a great deal.

Oh, I reckon my heart is stronger but she’s the equivalent of the Red Cross in a war zone. Combat just ain’t her thing, and she’ll still be standing firm but kind after I’ve exhausted myself conjuring up nightmares from the dust. Most of the time I’m pretty sure she’s determined not to engage my brain at all: brain is none too friendly really. If you have an older sibling you probably catch my drift.

But if you listen hard enough and long enough you do start to get what your heart’s on about.  Only she doesn’t speak in words.

The heart speaks in worlds, in chaos, symbol and the language of destiny. It’s all too easy to pass that up for the tangible, all too easy to miss but the bits you are ready for pack a punch.

Back to that quote… It’s something I find terribly difficult to hear. This whole ‘don’t be afraid: Love’ thing.

Goodness…

Love? Don’t look now, my mind says. You might like it too much. That’s what got you in trouble in the first place.

How funny is that?

And then I start in with fearing how much I have to learn. At which point my heart starts giggling uncontrollably at me, jumping up and down and waving.

But it’s OK. My brain knows how to ignore such childishness and go about its business… learning, working, getting through.

The rest of me just sighs, and says ‘honey, i’m going back to sleep. wake me if you ever decide to come to bed.’

So I don’t respond well to the L-word, OK?

Love… Huh? You must be nuts. No, wait, that’d be me.

Someone really should do one of those “You’re Doing It All Wrong” instruction videos for people who have issues with release. I’m a control freak, I admit it. And love, love is so far outside the realms of control that I look at it with all the wonder in the world. But the fact is standing in awe of something isn’t actually the same as living it.

Walking around late last night, I knew that was the problem. My mind’s grip was so tight that I couldn’t shake it. And my heart kept trying to help out. It was showing me the deep marine blue of fences, the intensity of textures in the grasses and the trees, some really neat stuff… I know, I sound like I was stoned. I sort of was, only high on thought. Kite high.

Knowing the problem doesn’t really help all that much, however. It’s a different animal to the clarity that comes from peace because you’re still looking for the ‘fix’ in some distant aspect. Somewhere removed. Anywhere but within yourself. $Deity forbid I should notice my own intuition, right?

Why am I so distrustful of myself? It’s simple. I have made fear my best friend, my lover and my saviour on the premise that knowing your enemy might just mean you can defend yourself. Inviting the fox into the hen house wasn’t my brightest idea, I realise.

You can’t be prepared. I don’t care what the Boy Scouts say, being isn’t like that. You can only make progress from within and through your experience. And it will not always look like forward progress from where you’re at.

So I got some focus back and told my heart I’m listening. I mean, even if my mind doesn’t want it, like I said, my heart is stronger and vastly more patient.

If she can wait, then so can I.
I don’t need a sudden Awakening. I just need to hold onto the idea that reaching for my heart is the best last first-step I could take.