Sometimes I think:
I’ve smoked in Paris.
I was standing in front of Notre Dame with the hand of winter in my own. Sometimes I get out the photo the guy feeding the pigeons took of that moment. I was blonde (I’m not now), 18 (definitely not that either) and philosophical (Okay, that still fits, I admit). There’s a moment, right there – it was so good, so peaceful and for that instant I felt, somehow, at the centre of things. Do I really need much more?
No, I wouldn’t end it all because I’ve smoked in Paris. I’m saying sometimes I feel I have really lived. Some moments do stand out even if they aren’t stock standards from the show-reel that seems to so often form the focus of our endeavours.
Life is not a movie. Life is not just pretty pictures but nor is it passing time. It isn’t standing still. It’s moving at the pace which we know to be our own.
I will not be hurried through this life, though the tide of circumstance might try to pull me roughly onwards even as I struggle against myself.
Beginnings and ends are always difficult – so this time of year gets increasingly pressured for most of us, I think. I usually try to wait it out but frankly, I’m a little sick of that.
So screw the aesthetics of it all, damn the pleasant, extremely well-meant wishes of an increasingly homogenised society. If this is indeed a holiday then let me hear the bell toll just once for a season of peace in my mind and wholly of my mind – not just as an afterthought to quietly conquering another year.
AKA Bring on the eggnog and the drunken uncles – I’ll take my inspiration anywhere I can get it.
Sometimes I wish life was a movie, some sort of romantic comedy or at least something which I knew would end with a happy ending for me. I would still endure difficult situations but if life was a movie then it would be ok in the end. As you say life isn’t a movie, sometimes I wish it was. Another really well-written post as always, you really are a brilliant writer.
@Hannah. Thanks. Yeah, a delightful Rom-Com with a few twists near the end might be nice. But then again, we might get bored and maybe that’s worse ;)
Man, I can’t tell you how much I hate effing Xmas! But, this year I seem to have less resistance than usual, and I might even attend the big family dinner I usually avoid like the plague. I like your attitude, CK!
@Coyote – LOL Cheers. Yeah, effing Xmas is pretty much how it always gets referred to around here too.
This time of year I usually end up in a mixture of despair and bitterness that I have “wasted” another year of my life being ill. Well, NOT this year. This year, despite everything I intend to stand up and say that I have made big changes. I have lost a lot, but I am looking forward to the New Year, with relief to be shot of this one!
Lola x
@Lola – Sounds good to me! A change is as good as a rest and the rest is a holiday ;) Or something like that. But yes, bring on the New Year already – even if it does mean learning to get the date right all over again.
The Moscow subway escalator for me in lieu of Paris. Weird I know, but I’ve been in more odd places.
@Jackie. Nah, not too weird. Well, not to me but then my weird threshold test has been known to be set a little high from time to time.
Hmmm, yes, the only holidays I enjoy are those I’ve imbued with meaning.
I’ll be at a HUGE bonfire this coming weekend and got the vibe to dig out every journal I’ve ever kept (off and on since adolescence, more off than on) and toss them all into the fire.
Light!
Light!
(smile)
@Psycho Therapist – Mmmmm, fire. Fire good. Pretty.
So enjoy. That does sound like fun. I like a good cleansing ritual now and then…
I prefer to be a societal reject and will never act like a character in an old episode of the Brady Bunch, oblivious to reality. I say bring on that spiked eggnog and have some excitement! Jeez, now you have me dying for a glassful! :smile:
@Bobby – LOL Yeah, count me in the reject pile too. Ugh, Brady Bunch *shudder* We did the whole denial thing. It didn’t work out in the end. What do you know ‘eh? ;)