If I beat this I want to have beaten more than a label, and struggled against more than a fiction or a convenient truth. This is not just about mental health, maintaining balance or stability or something along those lines. Those things are good but they aren’t the whole ballgame.
But speaking up and finding my voice is. It got lost somewhere along the way, you see. Other people’s voices grew to be more important to me than my own, and I didn’t even really know why. Depression forced my hand, somehow, to pay attention to all that I didn’t say. And it was a lot.
It came out in waves, sometimes. Waves that dumped me on distant desert shores, confused and often numb. I’d pray to gods I knew not who or how but only hoped were listening because even I wasn’t listening to myself. That’s a bigger problem, to my mind, than the Depression in itself – in the long run, anyway.
Growing up I watched my Father train himself to silence all that he was or wanted to be. He’d tiptoe around the house, literally, so as not to disturb his carefully cultivated mental house of cards. He knew little of himself, and even less of those around him until one day it all came crashing loose in his mind, temper and life. I won’t let that be my story too.
So I learnt to use words in every way I could. I built things out of them, structures I hoped would stand the test of time even if who I was in any one moment did not.
If I can do one thing to help myself then it is to learn to speak from a place of self-knowledge and truth. There are some lights that must not be allowed to go out, even on the coldest nights. And that is one.
I think learning to speak from a center of self-knowledge is part of being balanced, etc. Or vice versa, hard for me to distinguish. You handle words beautifully,that shine a light on you so that we can see. I guess the question is whether you see. *big hugs offered to ya CK*
You say that you learned to speak from a place of truth. Once again you spoke from my truth. Beautifully written as always.
Thank you
You have definitely learned to beautifully speak from a place of truth, now the tough part feeling from that place of truth. I absolutely love the way you caress words…take care. (((((CK))))
Dear CK,
You are not your father, and perhaps it’s really important to acknowledge that. Unlike what you’ve written about him–now and before–you have spent a lot of time and energy thinking about Depression, trying to figure out what’s causing it, and working hard to find the words to express what you’re grappling with or what you’ve learned.
And you have developed a community with whom you can share your writing and your experiences. I hope all of this gives you comfort.
Susan
Thanks for sharing such a powerful and encouraging writing….can completely relate about speaking from a place of truth. knowledge and be open instead of shut down…there have been periods in this fight and journey where I completely shut down and buried all i thought and felt instead of putting them into words…Since that time I have started journeling and when needed sharing with a close friend my thoughts and feelings…You are right when you say that it is not about finding balance or mental health but about finding our voice and speaking up.
Right on CK!
Although I think the hardest thing is to accept they did the best they could. Even if their best really sucked.
For me, that’s all a part of complete acceptance and not making the same mistakes they did in any way…
I wish I could write like you. Maybe it would help me like it helps you.
You are an extraordinary woman, and I believe that your ability to speak, though muted in your day-to-day, speaks to the magnitudes here.
You are one of my most favoritest people.
I agree with the other commenters here; your writing is excellent. It’s not that often that I hear someone’s voice through what they write, but you have that gift. Your post reminded me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day that said, “Let your voice be heard, even if it’s shaky.”
Take care,
Devin
PS Your writing is far from shaky.
Wow, thank you all for your wonderful and very encouraging comments =) Really does my heart good.
@Immi – Thanks for the hugs! Right back at you =) I like the idea that balance and self-knowledge go hand in hand. Yes, I think that’s probably the way it goes often enough.
@Bradley – Cheers!
@Clueless – *Hugs* Yes, the hard part is always the feelings. Sometimes I feel like a child in that department but I reckon it’s a common enough difficulty.
@Susan – It does give me great comfort. Thank you.
@Terri – Cool you could relate. I think it’s easy to shut down sometimes. Sure is easier than speaking all the things that make us shut down in the first place.
@Svasti – Thanks! =)
Heehee Yes, that definitely isn’t easy to get your head around. But it’s worth it. I mean, as you point out, those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.
@Ryan – Maybe you don’t need to write like me but to write like you? That’s what helps me most and it seems to be the real challenge.
@Ash – Aw, thanks
Very much! You are one of my favoritest, too, Hun.
@Devin – Thank you! Awesome bumper sticker – definitely sending the right message!
Well, I know I am a child in that department and let me tell you growing up is hard. Lets go play in sand on the beach again and build a sand castle!!
If you want it to happen, it will; no one can stop you from doing or being what you need or want to be.
peace,
mike
livelife365
CK,
How many years I wasted living my life the way others thought I should! Somehow I thought I got no say in it. Crazy!
Good for you that you are so much more self aware. You already know how wonderfully healing I think writing is. And, your writing is world class!!
You will never be your father – you are already too aware of yourself to let that happen.
Hugs,
Tamara
Yes, you use words very well. You’ve constructed entire houses, complex affairs with fine details, the egg and dart moulding, the walls of real plaster. I don’t think there’s a chance that you would end up self-deluded! It seems like the words are a way of understanding as well as a fortress against the void.