I’m tingling inside, like I’m on the verge of something but I’m not sure it’s something altogether good. It’s that almost panic feeling. Where it’s waiting just beyond the edges of your vision, out of sight but definitely not out of mind.
They say waiting’s the worst part. It’s true. I hate it. I’m tired of it, too – this waiting in the wings of my own life. I do as much taking charge as possible but a lot of living with a mental illness, a lot of being well around Depression is learning to steer the course when things are neither here nor there.
For a lot of the time my mood is nondescript. It’s something unusual, often not enough of anything in particular to qualify as much at all.
I am
Not Otherwise Specified,
daunted by each revolution of the sun around my skull -
a dizzy hawk buzzing about my ears.
I wade through days thick with wanting and wondering. Not aimless but not on a true course either.
My compass is always a little off because I find myself looking deeper into the heart of things than perhaps I should. Maybe it isn’t so good for me to remain on the edge of so much but it’s who I am, for now. I am a creative person and that seems to mean that the way I think, the way I go about my days, the way I engage with the world is always that little bit askew. I don’t mind it but it does come with some curious side-effects.
It’s like there’s something inside me that boils away across the day, and finally, finally comes to a head. I can never predict the shape it will take. It’s rarely the same twice, like snowflakes or clouds. Most of all I am unpredictable even when my moods are not. In the moment, often enough, I can’t see that they could alter though I know that’s not true.
I always tell myself that all this will change, and I must simply learn to go with it. But for that you need balance, not to feel as though you’re on a knife’s edge all the time. I want firmly grounded steps, the one in front of the other – not some strange fairy dance in my mental playground. If I say I am well it is not to say that I’m not unwell but rather that I am finding my way, the way I want to be.
Standing far from me, in the distance, on the other side, is not my opposite but my twin. I want to know her as I know my breath, as I know my eyes and tongue and cheeks. She is a good-natured image of myself built from those things that I deny, and from all those things that I go through, again and again, as I wade through the remains of these many grey, lingering days.
I want to be in her, and of her and beside her even when I am not in my own mind. She may live in a darker place, sometimes but I think perhaps it’s also a place of greater certainty, and a place of continuity. She looks well put together to me and that’s something I desire to be.
your writing is incredibly inspiring…I’ve just written something for the blog (maybe–if I decide to publish it) and somehow you captured some of what my qualms are about it…I feel a bit askew…like maybe I’m not thinking quite right and dare I publish? But then I want to and feel like I need to…does that make sense?
Yes, that makes perfect sense to me. I say push the button, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. What’s the worst that could happen? And sometimes we learn more from pushing through our doubts and doing things anyway than we possibly could have otherwise.
But no pressure, seriously because you know you can always tackle it another day. The one thing I make sure of when I feel like that is to never give up completely. It sounds worthwhile, just from the little you’ve said.
It’s going up at midnight tonight…that is US time of course…you might be the first to catch it…I ran it by a few people I trust…and now I will push publish.
oh…Eastern Standard Time…how parochial of me to say US time!!??
I am glad that you can see your twin because to me that means hope and you will get there. Is that what it means to you? Thats more important than what I think.
take care,
clueless
Wow what a powerful blog filled with insight and I relate to very much, I always feel that change will some way come with balance, but instead I am unpredictable and somedays if I choose to realize it so are my moods. There are days and times that I look deeper into the heart of things, but in all honesty is hard not to do when things are unbalanced and hard during times of deep depression. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful writing.
I agree with CC, I think your twin embodies hope and health.
What you don’t realize yet, is you’re already one with her. (your twin)
@Gianna – Cool! I’ll keep my eye out for it!
@Clueless – Yes, that’s part of what she means to me. Thanks!
@Terri – It comes in waves, sometimes, doesn’t it? When things are unpredictable and off-center.
@Ash – I like that interpretation :)
CK,
The thing that drives me most crazy about myself is that I am unpredictable. I want to be steady and stable. But, I am learning to work with the unpredictability. I am learning to accept that the landscape of my days may seem set and I am good to go and then they will up and change. It is hard not to become frustrated with myself over that but I am trying.
As you say, you are a creative person. I think creative people just tick differently than people who are very left-brained. I feel a bit askew a lot but am really wondering if that isn’t “my” normal. Plus, I don’t think others see me as askew and unpredictable as I feel inside myself.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. I am having trouble putting it into words that feel right!
Tamara
Tamara – I think I could better sit with the unpredictability if I knew it well enough. If I knew the broad strokes it would help. I think with enough experience of life, with enough self-knowledge that can happen.
It never becomes predictable but it does come back within your capacity to cope – maybe that’s a little of what your ‘normal’ might try to be. Might feel safer like that…?
Because it’s not the unpredictability itself that causes me problems so much as the fact that’s it’s overwhelming at times.
So maybe that’s a sign that it isn’t as big as it sometimes feels, and that’s probably good ‘eh.
CK, Yes it definatly comes in waves especilly when things are unpredictable and off-center.
lovely ck,
“I think I could better sit with the unpredictability if I knew it well enough.:
Cough cough. It would then no longer be unpredictable. You know this. I’m just playing parrot to your natural intelligence.
You know why I saved that Murakami quote for you. Creativity ALWAYS has toxic elements. I think we can’t change it into something else without taking away what essentially makes it creativity in the first place.
I truly think it’s like Murakami says–rather than trying to change creativity, we make other things stronger in order to achieve balance. I think we go wrong when we try to get creativity to shape up and stop being what it is. Creativity isn’t going to do that. It’ll go away before it does that.
Does your twin blog?
hugs,
wily
Heehee Thanks Wily. I was hoping you’d have some thoughts on that one. Sometimes these conversations send me chasing my tail.
Yes, I think I had more in mind taming the tiger, a little. Futile, I know but I reckon there are greater and lesser degrees of recklessness in unpredictability. And I want more of the kind that adds interest and flavour to life, rather than unbalances me. Impossible, of course but it leads me to think about trying to find out what use I can put all the elements of creativity to.
I’m not sure, I mean we probably do have to take the good with the bad in the creativity stakes. I think those toxic elements Murakami talks about don’t always have to be bad for you, though. Ie. They don’t always make you unhealthy, like he suggests. You can stir the pot with them, and find gold at the end of the rainbow.
So yes, by knowing it well enough I mean intimately understanding the gamut it can run, being aware of that in my life – as opposed to just letting it happen. Does that make sense?
Unpredictability that can harnessed for something, I suppose – after it’s done being quite so unpredictable, anyway. I guess I’m talking about finding that spot where the shift takes place between unpredictability and knowledge. It’s in that spot that I think a lot of change, a lot of vital forces, end up coming to fruition.
Maybe I should let my twin blog sometimes. It could prove interesting! ;)
My twin is pretty boring. She doesn’t really get into things like writing or dancing or playing music or anything. She doesn’t blog that much. If she were to write, it would look something like this:
“Today is a sunny, crisp day in Texas. I told Wily to eat oatmeal this morning because if she doesn’t eat breakfast she gets upset by 2 pm. The dog hid his tennis ball in the bed again and he got lost in the blankets trying to find it. It was really cute.”
It’s very Midwestern. I have never been to the Midwest but one time I went to this writing workshop with Natalie Goldberg and there were all these Midwestern writers there and that’s how they all wrote. It was simple and beautiful and it would make someone like me fall asleep before I learned how to get into it.
I think it WOULD be fun to hear from your twin.
Wily
You’ll get to your twin. I have no doubt. In fact, I think you’re closer than you may think you already are…