I’m a little lost today. My mind is in a thick but comfortable fog. I’m dancing in a rain I cannot feel. The storm is outside and I’m inside, and this is where I’ll stay. It’s warmer, at least – familiarity helps but it also dulls the edges of what should be bright and filled with certainty. It’s like my world is a slowly developing film that’s constantly on the edge of coming into focus.
I’m lost in translation – so near and yet so far from everyone and everything. I want to feel closer. I want to feel and see and be as you are but I’m not, you see? No, probably not. There’s the rub.
Instead I am outside the box, and I can’t even tell you the frame. I’m a mime pressed against that invisible wall. Ever just a breath separating us but so much more. In the demarcation zone I struggle to describe the difference between this and that. I’m ever walking down a thin, white line. If I fall I’ll land in a heap on the other side, always the other side. I wish I had the right words, the right order for each step so that I’d know when we were dancing the same dance. So I’d know where to plant my feet to be sure. I want so much to be assured and anchored.
But still I ask, where am I exactly? I’m not completely lost but I am farther out than I intended – somewhere in a daze of heavy limbs at dusk. I’m drowning in a languid sea. Things get so slow I almost do not notice the water as it fills me up. I’m a cup overflowing, held by an unsteady hand, pierced by your all too steady glances.
I don’t mind the division itself but I mind where I end up. My mind wanders first East then West then tries to sew the two tight together. These things which are not made to fit precisely. I’m running, across the cracks and over the puddles. I’m counting the beats I’ve missed in the space between each moment. If only this life I lead were a puzzle, which once broken could be glued back together. But there are certain things that are not meant to be united. There are certain things one must accept and only then will balance come.
So I’ll shine a light in the dusty corners of my mind, today. Into the places where the fog is thickest, and hope that there is hope yet for a mind still reeling. For a mind that’s out of sync with the tides and the rising of the sun. One more long night won’t hurt too much but still I promise myself that tomorrow I won’t miss my ride. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and…
Tomorrow will be another day, another wish, another story with a different name. A name that will shape the day, and a name to really be somebody by. A name that will quiet the storm because it will bring clarity and perhaps a little purpose back into the turning of my tides.
I love hearing your perspective.
As lost as you feel, you’re still so clear…
It is one day as you sit; and there you shall rest.
One night as you lie; and there you shall rest.
Time, perception can be both friend and foe.
For now, deep breaths and let them go…
Good to know. I’m clear even when I’m not ‘eh Ash ;)
Thanks, PA. Yeah, breathing is good… must try and remember that one. It’s not like it’s important or anything LOL
it’s times like tht when i turn to poetry. a lickle bick of thomas lux or your own continent’s les murray and i realize i’m not so damged after all. blake when i really start to feel out of sorts and a quick nip of milton before bedtime is better than warm milk. keep writing and i’ll keep reading.
I think, I know that fog and that fine line. It is when I can’t tell you what I feel or what I’m even thinking. There are things going on, I just can’t articulate them. For me, all that comes out is that I feel ungrounded, disconnected or “I don’t feel good.” It is I’m not being “present” to my self or allowing me to just “be.” I find myself elusive. Is that what you mean. That is what I got out of it.
@Jet – Yeah, poetry can be a comfort. It can be all things really, that’s the joy of it!
@CC – Yes, that’s what I meant. It is elusive. That’s exactly the right way to put it.
Great read,I discovered your blog over at my bloglog and love reading it. Keep posting great posts.
Cheers, Floyd =)