These are things people actually said in court, word for word. They’ve been taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I always find these funny. Some of it is because of the legal system, but most of it is stupidity…lawyer friends are laughing still now as is the judge!!!.
That is hillarious, really made my day. Couldnt stop laughing which is surprising given how things have been going.Thankyou, Hannah X
Glad you enjoyed it =) I know I did!
This made me want to watch Jasper Carrott’s car insurance claims sketch, but I cant find a decent copy :(
~Shiv
They say Justice is blind. By God, I hope she’s deaf. too.
love the last one most
LOL Lou!
@Warriorwitch: It’s my favourite too. It still makes me laugh even though I’ve read it a few dozen times by now.
Some of these actually made me laugh out loud – and I rarely do that. Not that I don’t like to laugh. It’s just that I rarely find anything funny to laugh at. Thanks for posting these funny quotes!
You’re most welcome =)
OMG, fabulous. I love finding asinine quotes such as these. As they say, “You can’t make this kind of stuff up!” It reminds me an awful lot of the Darwin Awards–except in verbal form.
Wow…needed these after the day I’ve been having. *sigh* I’m almost ready to throw baby MacBook against the wall!
Noooo! Noooo! I love baby MacBook!
Actually, I’m almost ready to find someone in Google’s tech support department and throw them against the wall. That really says something as PA is the most non-violent, wee thing on the planet!
Yeah, some of the folks quoted really do deserve a stupidity nomination for this stuff. LOL It’s priceless, as you say.
Glad it provided some much needed comic relief in your day, though. I thought it might ;)