It doesn’t help to be naturally reserved, and then lacking any motivation to bring it up. It feels like a high barrier to jump. When you are well, it’s fine because it’s so much easier when there simply aren’t big revelations to be made. I also tend to be black/white about it – either I’m ‘fine’ or I’m suicidal. I don’t have a point mid-way at which my alarm bells ring loud enough in my own head to get me to speak up.

I am OK, btw. It’s kind of you to be concerned. I hope it wasn’t anything particular I said? I’m not sleeping much plus the minor case of pneumonia I’m just getting over has put me a little off track.

And yes, that’s a good point, and one I’ve found reflected in my own life time and time again. I can hold it together sufficiently to give all (or almost all) appearance of normality but it comes at a price.

I hope that as I learn more about everything I’ll come to some workable compromise that doesn’t involve my speeding headlong for a brick wall I know is there but can’t seem to avoid.

My work situation was almost exactly like Svasti’s, but being married I also hide it from my husband. The pressure was amazing trying to keep it together and was in denial myself and called my therapist before telling my husband. As long as I could handle it I was okay. My husband did not know until I told him.

I also have what my therapist calls the gift of understatement which gets me into more trouble as I don’t really convey what is on the inside. Many times, I hide how much distress I am in from my therapist unless he asks me direct questions because I never lie to him. Like now, he knows because I’ve talked about it which is kind of a strange feeling to let someone know that you are feeling like you are falling apart. And, my last couple of spontaneous post I share that as well.

By the way, you are not crazy, you know too much and have too much insight to be crazy…it is “them” that are crazy…we be the sanest. What about accepting yourself as you are and not put a judgement on it…just be…mindfulness.

How are you? I’ve been worried about you?

take care,
cc

Weird huh? So I did comment there, but I’m expanding my comment here!

In my professional life, I’m a highly competant person, juggling multiple tasks at once. I’ve actually come to the conclusion that this is a way of me avoiding my ‘issues’ because I can focus on my work and its something I’m good at, so I get a certain level of satisfaction out of what I’m doing. Even if, on the inside I’m falling apart. Which has definitely been the case much of the time in the last few years.

That said, I’m quite certain that my workmates recognise some of my quirks and oddities, even if they don’t understand them because I simply don’t explain. However, I work in an industry where quirky is actually the norm for the best people for the job, so again, anything that does show is barely noticable.

In my personal life, I live alone. Have done for quite a few years now. So, when I’m not feeling great, I just hide. There’s been many a weekend where I haven’t so much as opened my front door. Then there are the good things in my life, like my niece. If I focus on her, or other people, I can also veil my issues for a whilte.

With these sorts of strategies and coping mechanisms, its very easy to portray an air of ‘normalcy’. Not that I think there is such a thing as normal, its just easier to blend into the crowd!

The only real problem is, that its not a sustainable situation long term. Eventually something cracks open wide enough and you have to deal.