Before you think I’ve strayed too far from my brief there is a connection between courtesy and depression/mental health. Often I have trouble, when I’m feeling down or upset, with the simple acts of basic courtesy. They seem forced, and unendurably false, not to mention totally bloody pointless. However, and I say this now so you can hold me to it, I’m dead wrong about that. The thing is at those times I simply don’t understand the seeming ease and grace with which others navigate social waters.
“How are you?,” someone will ask. Usually a friend, always my therapist at the start of a session (accompanied by a searching gaze, which I studiously avoid), and sometimes family but only on the phone for some odd reason.
If my mood is up or I am thinking clearly then I’ll say: “Good! Thanks! How are you??,” all chipper. A bit of ‘Fake it till you Make it’, and a lot of genuine affection.
If my mood is low or I’m having trouble with clarity then you’ll get a shrug, and “OK” or “I don’t know.” If you’re really lucky, I’ll say “Fine,” only with about as much resonance as roadkill kippers.
So, not only does this simple test of basic communication/social skills serve as a very accurate barometer of my mood and mental state but it is a way of saying so much with so little.
Saying Good Morning! or How’ve you been?, and meaning it – or at least meaning to mean it – is huge. It’s a reminder to yourself and those around you of community, home, connection, warmth, generosity of spirit and, above all, of one another.
Yes, it’s ridiculously simple – it’s a mental ping. It’s a way of confirming we are of value to one another!
You see courtesy is a more complex creature than one might first imagine. I’m not speaking of courtesy here in the Emily Post sense but rather of courtesy as it exists as a social tool, which allows us to make meta-communicative statements very directly and simply. It cuts across the bull, and acts as a kind of social glue. Since we are all social animals it is therefore necessary to our continued sense of positive self-regard. This positive self-regard then reflects in others and we see it mirrored in their responses to us. We get karma points in turn: We feel good about ourselves and our world. We want that. Our minds need that to keep on keeping on with life.
To quote a well known Jewish scholar:
‘People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.’
It’s a struggle when I’m depressed to perform even the most basic of social obligations. If I stop saying these simple things then it reinforces the depression by giving in to the part of my brain that says ‘it’s all too hard’ and ‘it’s so not worth the effort – it’s a chore, nothing more’. The trouble is that only increases my sense of isolation, which is a major player in depression. Break the isolation and you’re on the road to recovery. Reach out! It’s key – even if it’s only in really tiny ways. Baby steps are great because they have a way of adding up, over time. And time is one thing you have plenty of when you’re going through a depressive episode.
(Anybody with a sweet tooth? If you’ve never had an ANZAC cookie, today’s the day to try one as they’re traditional, not to mention yummy – The 25th of April is when Aussies remember our war veterans. Lest we forget.)
I also “Live with” depression and sometimes find myself simply “going through the motions” of social interaction. It may help you to know that you are not isolated and some of us find guidance in you blog posts. Very nice work.
and eye contact, eye contact, eye contact …
Very interesting post. I don’t struggle with depression but I have friends who do. Thanks for helping educate me. I’m going be linking to you tomorrow btw, :) just so you know.
@la – For sure, and it’s a skill I know I could do to improve on.
@Sister Sassy – Neat! =) Cheers for letting me know!
I wish leaving out the common courtesies could be the worst that I do when depressed. I can actually be really rude and thoughtless toward my closest loved ones when I’m depressed. But you are right–reaching out is the antidote to all of that. Climbing up out of the gloom and caring about what someone else has to say. (Don’t be surprised if I rework my last sentence into a poem later!) For the record, I love the “mental ping” idea. I’ll keep that in mind, and maybe I’ll make a few more of those mental pings on a daily basis now… ☺
@Kelley – Yep, you’re right more generally being thoughtless/rude is something I have to work on too when I’m depressed. I’ll have to post about that, I reckon. Glad the ‘mental ping’ idea seems useful to you! =)
This is my second time typing this! I wrote this all out before then my stupid browser crashed when I tried to post it :(
Back in the day, in a time when we were far more sparsely populated than we are now and you could leave your house without tripping over people you know, if someone asked “How are you?” they were actually interested and wanted an answer. These days it has lost meaning and become a kind of shorthand for “yes I know you’re there and I’m supposed to be polite to you”, but often people don’t care about, listen to, or even hang around for the response!
When I was living in Rome I met a great guy who really impressed me. He was the partner of my neighbour and as we were being introduced for the first time he asked “How are you?” as you might expect. My pre-canned response was a standard “Yeah, fine thanks.” But then he did something that kinda blew my mind. He looked me squarely in the eyes, touched my arm lightly and said “No, really, how are you Toby?”
I was so stunned I actually didn’t know what to say. I don’t mind saying that it almost made me cry, because in that instant I realised how closed we have all become to each other. We are all so caught up in our own issues that we don’t have time to really listen to other people any more.
~Shiv